What to do when you can do nothing

Writing these words I’m sitting opposite my mom’s hospital bed. She’s got tubes coming from her arm, her stomach and bladder. Her body stopped its fluid discharge functions which caused fluids to gather in different cavities.  

Pale, thinning in body and hair, going in and out of consciousness, every now and then asking one of us to help her turn this side or that, my mother is displaying unfathomable patience and tolerance of pain, it is heartbreaking. 

The doctors do their thing, her friends and relatives surround her with love and care and prayer; those who could not show up sent their thoughtfulness in messages and phone calls.

In the midst of all that, my mother continues to withhold her groans and avoids talking about her feelings, beyond annoyance at the noises outside her room’s door or matter of fact request of what she needs. 

For someone who studied energy healing and Holistic Counseling, I do my part in trying to run the energy where it needs to go, release what needs to be released, respecting my mother’s elected silence.  

For someone who helps her clients identify, connect with and process their feelings, emotions and memories, and guide them through different modalities of healing and coaching, I find myself in a situation where I can really do nothing beyond respond to my mother’s immediate needs. 

The helplessness wells within me and drags me physically down. My arms lay on my lap, and I look at my hands as if they betrayed me. It takes intention and focus to ground my feet and breathe slowly and clear my thoughts. I know crying will come, only not now. Later, as I’ll be driving home I allow the tears to roll down thinking “you were patient today, now you can go wild”.

In situations where you cannot do anything, you can always bring your awareness to your body, to your breath, to your feet, to your thoughts and to your heart. You can always bless the moments that you witness. And slowly but surely, gratitude finds its way to your soul and spirit and being, regardless of the outcome.

Be blessed.

Doa’a 17/1/2019

Update: my mother passed away on Thursday, January 24, 2019, at 1:06 PM.